Friday, November 9, 2012
Being an Idiot
I guess I am an idiot. What else do you call someone who keeps giving her heart out to someone when she's not even confident they will make it? People need to stay away from away. I am a ticking time bomb of fear and sadness and anger at the world who is about to go off. I would call my psychologist whom I love dearly, but she won't help. I know exactly what she will say: leave. I leave all the time inside my soul. I shut down and run away. Then I always come back to something. A person, an eating disorder, God. Maybe the best thing I can do for myself is not be around anyone. Just about every man I know has hurt me besides my brother, and even he broke my heart when he moved away. I fall in love with the wrong person. That is just what I do. Only this time it scares me because I have never loved anyone like this; the kind of love where you love just because you can, and not because you need them. And I have never felt love than I have from him. My mother says he will become just like my father. I need to retch. I don't have much more to say except an apology for any bad grammar that is in this post. I just don't feel like reading it right now.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Who Is This Crazy Girl?
Well since I am new here and I want people to read my blog and potentially follow it, I might as well give some info about myself.
First off...the eating disorder...
Thought I would just get it over with since it's always a dark cloud hanging over everything in my life. Anyway, I have had an eating disorder for about a year and a half. I grew up with an anorexic/bulimic/exercise freak sister, so that didn't help. One summer day I just felt fat and decided to eat nothing but a yogurt for lunch and only 5 french fries for dinner. I don't understand why I couldn't stop with restricting. I got down to my lowest weight (109 ibs), then my ex broke up with me by fall. I binged, shot up to 125 ibs, and told my shrink and mom about it in a nervous break down. I was diagnosed with an ED, and I tried recovery for about a month. Ever since then I have been between 125 and 120 with binging and restricting. I met my wonderful new boyfriend this summer (more on him later), and was inspired to recover for good. Then I had my wisdom teeth out in August and dropped down to 122 from lack of food. I'm also sick. I have weird stomach/digestive issues so food is a definite problem. I now weigh 118 which is driving my mother nuts. However I like it and am shooting for 115. Whoops! Guess this doesn't help recovery at all.
Okay so enough on that garbage...
Likes: Cats (particularly mine), writing, poetry, books, music, the band Incubus, fashion, lace, socks, boots, sunshine, hot chocolate, God, my family, friends, and boyfriend.
Dislikes: People who are mean to animals (they should just fall off the face of the Earth), pickles, hypocrites (even though I am one), intentionally bad grammar, cold weather, stomach aches, and mushrooms.
There's obviously more to each list, but I don't intend to bore you to death.
Info on Boyfriend:
He is the same age as me, but has graduated high school. He had a horrible childhood, and is trying to break free from it. He is sweet and adorable. I love him more than anything. Although he did some things no one is proud of in the past (nothing major), trust me when I say he is a good one. He knows about my ED.
Other random info on me:
I'm 5 foot 6 inches. My hair can't decide whether it's brown or red. I am American, but always grew up spelling things like I'm British (favourite, colour, etc). Anyone else do that?
I'm going to (eventually) post this on a separate page for those who are new and want to know who the heck I am. Thanks for reading! ^_^
Thank you to my new followers!
First off...the eating disorder...
Thought I would just get it over with since it's always a dark cloud hanging over everything in my life. Anyway, I have had an eating disorder for about a year and a half. I grew up with an anorexic/bulimic/exercise freak sister, so that didn't help. One summer day I just felt fat and decided to eat nothing but a yogurt for lunch and only 5 french fries for dinner. I don't understand why I couldn't stop with restricting. I got down to my lowest weight (109 ibs), then my ex broke up with me by fall. I binged, shot up to 125 ibs, and told my shrink and mom about it in a nervous break down. I was diagnosed with an ED, and I tried recovery for about a month. Ever since then I have been between 125 and 120 with binging and restricting. I met my wonderful new boyfriend this summer (more on him later), and was inspired to recover for good. Then I had my wisdom teeth out in August and dropped down to 122 from lack of food. I'm also sick. I have weird stomach/digestive issues so food is a definite problem. I now weigh 118 which is driving my mother nuts. However I like it and am shooting for 115. Whoops! Guess this doesn't help recovery at all.
Okay so enough on that garbage...
Likes: Cats (particularly mine), writing, poetry, books, music, the band Incubus, fashion, lace, socks, boots, sunshine, hot chocolate, God, my family, friends, and boyfriend.
Dislikes: People who are mean to animals (they should just fall off the face of the Earth), pickles, hypocrites (even though I am one), intentionally bad grammar, cold weather, stomach aches, and mushrooms.
There's obviously more to each list, but I don't intend to bore you to death.
Info on Boyfriend:
He is the same age as me, but has graduated high school. He had a horrible childhood, and is trying to break free from it. He is sweet and adorable. I love him more than anything. Although he did some things no one is proud of in the past (nothing major), trust me when I say he is a good one. He knows about my ED.
Other random info on me:
I'm 5 foot 6 inches. My hair can't decide whether it's brown or red. I am American, but always grew up spelling things like I'm British (favourite, colour, etc). Anyone else do that?
I'm going to (eventually) post this on a separate page for those who are new and want to know who the heck I am. Thanks for reading! ^_^
Thank you to my new followers!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
First Post!
Hello to all the lovely readers out there! I'm Birdy :) 18 years old, and a senior in high school. I have an eating disorder, and although I will talk about it, that isn't what this blog is all about. If you don't like it then move on. I will post about my life, cats, fashion, poetry, and other things I find amusing! I hope you all enjoy my blog. I love to laugh and I think you should all laugh with me. Thanks for checking this out...more to come!
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