Ye Olde Diet

Well I have to apologize for not blogging. It feels wrong to start a blog and then go totally AWOL on everyone before they even get a real chance at knowing me. Let me explain that last post (of me being an idiot).
My boyfriend irritated the crap out of me because I found out he was being a lazy bum instead of getting out of bed to look for a job. I almost broke up with him (again), but he promised to turn things around. I said I would give him one last chance, and so far it seems like things are getting better.

In other news, my health has been on a fast decline (which is the main reason for me not blogging). Most mornings, and sometimes nights, I wake up gagging/nauseous/hiccuping/burping/and being dizzy. Sounds like fun right? The docs can't figure it out, and no I am not pregnant (unless I am the next Virgin Mary). The boyfriend and I fool around, but I have a terrible fear of procreating this young so sex is a no no. I had a barium enema (loads of fun) and that turned out negative. So now I am having a colonoscopy and my stomach scoped. They also put me on more laxatives (just more side effects really) and other drugs. Most of my diet is pills...

Speaking of diets, my mom has decided to start one. I'm glad because I want her to be healthy, and now I'm really glad because we have a whole bunch of low calorie T.V. dinners in the house! The doctor's scale said 120.2, but with my boots, sweater, jeans, and breakfast I am going to shave off a couple so it's 118.2 pounds. Does this sound reasonable? Normally I weigh myself in the morning first thing naked, but the scale was taken away long ago. Well I guess there's one good thing about the doctors. So I want to eat around 1400-1500 cals a day. Enough to lose some weight, but enough to keep me healthy and my mom happy. Ye Olde Diet. I am in no hurry, but I'm sick of stuffing my face.

This leads to today's horror: My doctor called in an appetite stimulator/ anti depressant  It's called Pamelor (do any of you take/have taken this?) I don't know why they want me to eat more. They say my depression is from being ill and missing school. I agree, but getting fat won't solve this problem.

I'm still dieting. Challenge accepted.

Thanks for caring! I promise to post more

xoxo

Being an Idiot

I guess I am an idiot. What else do you call someone who keeps giving her heart out to someone when she's not even confident they will make it? People need to stay away from away. I am a ticking time bomb of fear and sadness and anger at the world who is about to go off. I would call my psychologist whom I love dearly, but she won't help. I know exactly what she will say: leave. I leave all the time inside my soul. I shut down and run away. Then I always come back to something. A person, an eating disorder, God. Maybe the best thing I can do for myself is not be around anyone. Just about every man I know has hurt me besides my brother, and even he broke my heart when he moved away. I fall in love with the wrong person. That is just what I do. Only this time it scares me because I have never loved anyone like this; the kind of love where you love just because you can, and not because you need them. And I have never felt love than I have from him. My mother says he will become just like my father. I need to retch. I don't have much more to say except an apology for any bad grammar that is in this post. I just don't feel like reading it right now.

Who Is This Crazy Girl?

Well since I am new here and I want people to read my blog and potentially follow it, I might as well give some info about myself.

First off...the eating disorder...

Thought I would just get it over with since it's always a dark cloud hanging over everything in my life. Anyway, I have had an eating disorder for about a year and a half. I grew up with an anorexic/bulimic/exercise freak sister, so that didn't help. One summer day I just felt fat and decided to eat nothing but a yogurt for lunch and only 5 french fries for dinner. I don't understand why I couldn't stop with restricting. I got down to my lowest weight (109 ibs), then my ex broke up with me by fall. I binged, shot up to 125 ibs, and told my shrink and mom about it in a nervous break down. I was diagnosed with an ED, and I tried recovery for about a month. Ever since then I have been between 125 and 120 with binging and restricting. I met my wonderful new boyfriend this summer (more on him later), and was inspired to recover for good. Then I had my wisdom teeth out in August and dropped down to 122 from lack of food. I'm also sick. I have weird stomach/digestive issues so food is a definite problem. I now weigh 118 which is driving my mother nuts. However I like it and am shooting for 115. Whoops! Guess this doesn't help recovery at all.

Okay so enough on that garbage...

Likes: Cats (particularly mine), writing, poetry, books, music, the band Incubus, fashion, lace, socks, boots, sunshine, hot chocolate, God, my family, friends, and boyfriend.

Dislikes: People who are mean to animals (they should just fall off the face of the Earth), pickles, hypocrites (even though I am one), intentionally bad grammar, cold weather, stomach aches, and mushrooms.

There's obviously more to each list, but I don't intend to bore you to death.

Info on Boyfriend:
 He is the same age as me, but has graduated high school.  He had a horrible childhood, and is trying to break free from it. He is sweet and adorable. I love him more than anything. Although he did some things no one is proud of in the past (nothing major), trust me when I say he is a good one. He knows about my ED.

Other random info on me:
I'm 5 foot 6 inches. My hair can't decide whether it's brown or red. I am American, but always grew up spelling things like I'm British (favourite, colour, etc). Anyone else do that?

I'm going to (eventually) post this on a separate page for those who are new and want to know who the heck I am. Thanks for reading! ^_^

Thank you to my new followers!

First Post!

Hello to all the lovely readers out there! I'm Birdy :) 18 years old, and a senior in high school. I have an eating disorder, and although I will talk about it, that isn't what this blog is all about. If you don't like it then move on. I will post about my life, cats, fashion, poetry, and other things I find amusing! I hope you all enjoy my blog. I love to laugh and I think you should all laugh with me. Thanks for checking this out...more to come!